Wednesday, August 27, 2008

M E M O I R S I N S I M O N (by: Meljer M. Lozano)

The people in town consider my Family as one of the most influential people in the whole wide town governs by my daddy. People do feel intimidated, and fear grows in them if they have the chance to meet my dad. I can consider my self as a girl with everything. I can do what I want; I can buy what I want. And it is not hard for me to get what my mouth speaks. But it doesn’t make me happy. I can feel the emptiness inside. All of these material things never take an effort to make my heart smile as wide as I want. I want to experience a simple living.
Mom died since I was seven years old, only I can remember her tender hand that smoothly touches my face whenever I go to bed. “Mom I miss you a lot” I utter. As mom is still on earth I can always hear her and daddy arguing lot of things but, still mom stay calm and let dad shout aloud. Dad and mom really do have a little bit of similarities and a lot of emotional indifference. Mom is genuine, dad is harsh; mom is understanding while dad seems cant get my point.
Everything in me is planned by my dad. And the worst thing is even my heart it is still his will to be obeyed. I have been sacrificing all my life in this chamber of imprisonment for a very long year. I want to feel the outside living and search for my lost spirit.
At the night of my debut I have something in my mind that I would like to do. I want to escape and fled away from dad. Everything was planned by me and my best friend Sheldon. We were like a twin that’s why we planed to switch on the person. We planned to wear a mask so that no one can doubt and speculate. At that very moment when Sheldon is trying go downs stairs I am secretly fled away from home. I take a ride with no idea where to go. “Yes…yes…yes I finally made it! And oh God please take good care of my friend” I whisper. The bus I’m riding is still in the city that time; fear is in me thinking that what if they can find me. Because I know that dad is having a lot of goons outside. At that moment I can hear police wanging there alarm and an ambulance beside the bus which is someone is inside. I know that maybe they are now searching in me. Finally the bus makes it to the far way home, far from the city, from far dad. I feel exhausted that make me sleep.
“Hey miss wake up! You haven’t pay your fair yet”…”Am sorry sir here it is, by the way what place is these?” I ask. “This is the very last place the bus could reach; we are in the remote area of Simon. The place was very new for me it is as if I am in the place of new people. I take a walk a little bit for me to take adjustment of the area. I am searching for a place where I could take my lunch and search some little inn. I can’t find any restaurant but I found a cute food store. I take the order for about five people for I was not able to take my dinner until breakfast. It seems that no one can identify who I am for I can feel my liberty and freewomen here. These would be a very big adjustment to me. I am ready to face everything for I am willing to change and search my life. I remember to make a call for my friend Sheldon ask for what happen after I left the mansion…tut-tut “What? I can find signal in my phone it would to hard to contact Sheldon in this case.”…” I think I have to search for a perfect place for call…hmmm I think I found the right one….perfect! I can call Sheldon right now.”…”Hello?” I asked “Oh God thank your safe where are you? How can I find you? Who are your companions right now?” Sheldon’s asked worriedly, and I answer “Hey girl it’s okay, don’t you worry I’m in a safe place and I can handle my self, how about you are you okay?” I asked…”Yes I was able to escape that time then, but I am still afraid that your dad can find me and bang… you know what’s next” she explained “Okay, just drop the phone and I will call you later before anyone can hear us”.
I take some stroll all over the town searching for a new home. Then I am in the peak of the hill when I decided to take some rest and watch the sky over with birds and the cows and goats and everything is in my dreams as I feel asleep in my dreams I was running over the mountains and barefooted and little by little I can feel water drops in my head and in my whole body…”What? It’s raining, Oh God I have to search for a shade” I exclaimed when I woke up soaking wet in the rain, as I am running I accidentally hit a men as he also go running over a there house as we bangs out each other we fall in to the mud and hurriedly trying to stand and fetch everything…”My deepest sorry miss, I am so sorry I was not able to notice you for I am in a hurry” the cute man explained, I can see a bottle of medicine in his hand and some small tablets then I said “Oh that’s okay, I am sorry too, I was not able to watch my step for it was too dark” then he offer me something “Let us go over here, this our house, it seems that you just new here, I never see a girl dressed like you before here in our place.” We enter a small house with a lamp on the table and sick women on a small bed beside the dining table. “Who is she?” I asked then he glanced at me with his bright cute eyes and said “She is my mother, it is been a year since she suffer from illness”…”Oh I am sorry again for that.” He was so busy arranging things and he hand me dress and told me to change my clothes, I notice that he and only her sick mother is at home that time. I can see him from afar, his a little bit handsome and tall and I can see his responsible then he said “Are you done miss, you can use my room and sorry for I can’t give you a comfortable bed” his offer. Then I can feel the hardness of the bed but I don’t have any complain for I know that this is my own choice. I spend the whole night over the house of a stranger and me stranger on to them.
I woke up for about ten because I thought it still dawn for the ambiance was so different in the city. “You can eat your breakfast if you want, but if you want to take your lunch you can for it was about ten” he offered but I am so shy that time I ratter not too choose whether of the two but I feel so hungry and can’t go over the day without my eat. After I eat I can see him busy working with some of the household chores. He axes woods, Fitch water and fills the empty container in the comfort room, as he is so busy I ask him some of a typical question, “hey thank you, by the way what is your name?”…”Peter” he said…”Peter Pan? Oh just kidding, so by the way I’m Sophia, you can call me Sophie if you want”… He doesn’t have reaction but instead he just ignores me and continues in his chores, I don’t stop talking until I have to catch up here attention. Then he said to me “Am, Sophie I have to go to the farm to feed the cows if you want to go with me you can but do not wear those high heels it doesn’t fit the place okay. I just wonder why I really have strange feeling with this guy even if we’ve never been for about 24 hours.
At that very moment I just spend my time in the farm and feel the cold air that whispers through my ears and touches my skin. The whole time I am with the cows and other tamed animals that peter have feed. As I sat down in the grassy soil I can see how wide the farm with a very green field. At that time I have remember my old childhood friend that I left as I visit grandma in our town, I just can’t remember the place but I have just in my mind is all the memories that I have with my new founded friend. Telling the truth he was my first love for I had never feel the same way as I feel before. We shared lot of laughter and feeling that make me a better person. I just can remember that he gave me a wooden carved figure of a country boy then I gave him the bottle necklace, whew… how much I miss here, somehow we could have the chance to meet again. Then someone tap my shoulder… “Hey there Sophie lets go, we have to catch up until twelve mom is waiting there for me”…”Oh yes…yes…” Then we go over hills to hills and pass river and lake. We reach the house exactly eleven and I help him prepare the table and we share the food. Then his mother talked for the very first time…”Hey young lady, even if I don’t have any chance to know you much better but it feels very good inside of me, if you don’t have home to stay, you can make our home your home too” … the old lady humbly make the offer then I said “oh how sweet, thank you so mach, actually I’m from the city I have my vacation here and a country study, we were be living here until we can survive the conflict that may arise here and can handle it by our own selves” my strategic alibis “oh good you have chosen the right place, peter will take good care of you as she take good care of me too”. While his mother Lonny saying the words I notice peter moving his shoulder to his mom’s shoulder as if he want it to stop telling those things. Then suddenly our eyes meets in the center and I can see his very masculine face and humble smiles, oh God he so handsome I was shaking my body of excitement and she said “Oh what happen is there something wrong?”…”No…no actually the wind is so tight and cold I cant stop to shiver.” But I make alibi again but it was just here face that make me so cold and shiver. I am just ignoring this feeling I have inside of me. It would seem that I am going after him and expecting that there would be a spark of romance in between us. But I stay calm and act the way how girls have to pretend that they were not affected by charming guys.
It was Sunday in town. I dressed up as my usual outfit, I wear skinny jeans and wedged shoes with my preggy effect pink dotted blouse matching with Gucci snake skin bag. I know that I am comfortable with this outfit but that time everyone is staring at me and that make me uncomfortable. Then peter whisper me something “Just ignore them, they were just stunned by your wardrobe, but your so sexy and feminine ha?”…that was the first appreciation I have receive from peter and it wind up my uncomfortability. We have spent the whole Sunday at home which he teaches me how to make basket out of abaca leaves. Peter really have the gift of hand, he turn this pieces into art materials. Then I start the conversation “Excuse me peter can I asked you something?”…”Yes what it is?”…”Am, peter have you been engage to a relationship? Like having girlfriends or something” my question make peter stop a little bit and answer the hot question of mine. “Seriously, I have no girlfriend ever since, I was afraid that I would feel something inside and come the time that she would just leave me in despair, I have been waiting for the time that the feeling inside would burns up again, and …” he explained in a low voice then I snag “ and what? Continue I’m listening.”…”No, you have so curios about it ha, well my past just freaky time of my life, I have been so serious about her, I even do the thing I have never been done before just to make her happy, we share lot of laughers and unforgettable moment, but what have she done”…I was shocked on peter’s reaction, he cried out loud and I can feel his agony inside “but what have she done? She left me alone crying without saying goodbye. I promise my self not to see here again” peter cried out loud and I sympathized in his feelings. Now I know why he was so silent and feels like he have no plan for his future but to stay here in his country. Then I was listening again as he make some words “But I have to move on and life must have to go on, you know Sophie even if I have these tragic inside still I can’t help my self but to look at you and wishing that……” I was speechless for I have in my mind of what he have to say next. Then he never have the chance to finish the words and run over into the hill with his eyes fall of tears then left me alone. I have a very strange feeling that time. I just can’t understand the feeling that pushes me to doubt and don’t have any idea what to do if I have to run after him or just stay in foot or wait until he decided to came back. I can’t still stop thinking that he has some feelings in me. If he does the words and action, no second thought I will accept him as my new inspiration. I just can’t explain why I have this very urge, it seems that there is something that connect me into his life. It seems that I have been part of his life and part of his past. “Am I in love with him?” my freaky question to my self that only me who can answer. Because all I know is that whenever he is near to me I feel so different and I can’t stop my self to watch his face and day dreaming that he kisses me, “Hey Sophia stop dreaming, peter wont like you for you are a city girl, and peter like the way how country girls act. Well, I guess if I have to act one of them, for that peter would surely appreciate it and love me the way I want it to”…”Yes I think I’m in love with him.”…I just can’t wait that peter would feel the same way too, and do some step on the courting…oh God I have been so hilarious this days…heheheheheh but that was true.”
Many days have then passed. I can feel the freedom in here, peter and the place had thought me so much about life. At that night I want to surprise the family specially peter as I prepare a set of dinner at home, his mother thought me how to cook the favorite food of peter, we were too busy that day as peter was in the hill taking good care of the cows and all the animals. Everything is ready and set, it was just peter I was waiting for to arrive. But I was astonished that he wasn’t able to arrive at exactly the usual time peter has got home. I feel something disappointed, I have spending to much time in the dining table and my eyes is teary and weak. When suddenly a hamming of guitar is in the air. I have heard so sweet music outside the window and I suddenly run over there and…”Oh god, what? Peter it is you?” oh my god I feel that I was the most beautiful girl in the earth when I feel something very strange from these cute boy in front of me. At that very moment it seems that I was a baby listening to a lullabies sung by my mom. He really have a nice voice that I can feel her music deep with in. he really look good and make me shiver in great feeling. I can’t stop my eyes to shed tears on it and feel the essence of our togetherness. Boys in the city really do differ from the boys from the country side. I can feel right now that I love him and that he love me too, because what is the purpose of all of these if emotion and intimate affair doesn’t flame over between the two of us. His eyes is sparkling together with moon up above, right now I can feel the feeling how a girl being treasured by a handsome guy like peter. It was not just been long since I had known this guy, by the emotion is overflowing that even my self couldn’t explain.
Then he came up the stairs of there own house. He approaches me a humble smile that flatters me very well. He was carrying a bunch of freshly pick flower in the farm and a basket of sweet yellow mangoes. Then he said “Am good evening mom, and to you Sophia, I am here for a very important business to do with this very young beautiful lady in front of me.” God he really speak deep into my lungs…”Am peter, have a sit.”…then he said “Thank you.” Then we start to talk as if we were in the very romantic date. Then spokes very softly and utter the words of heart “I have been so lonely with my life as I live it up with my mom, I have been so afraid that the same thing might happen to me as what my past had gave me. But I am here again hoping that there would be another chance that the time could give me. Life was so dark the time you was not able to arise, but it was only you who bring back the light that past had stolen from me. I just want you to know that I have secret affection on you, maybe the rain and the event that bumps up us together is the sign of a new hope. I will not promise that I could be a perfect man on you, but I will do my best to make this relationship be perfect, if you would give me the chance. Sorry if I’ve been doing this, I just can’t stop my self but to express these feeling inside, don’t be mad I am not forcing you to the thing, I want you to do it with open mind and heart. May you understand me”… I was very speechless that time for he had the most beautiful words of courtship all over my life. I was very surprise of all these things. I cry and told him that “You know peter you are the only man I met that was very serious on the thing they were doing. I can feel that you are sincere of your words. You are just the only man that makes me feel that I am important and respect my own life. No, doubt I am accepting you in my life as my new hope and spirit” it was just so romantic. The room is filled up with songs of love as the light of the lamp added the ambiance of everything. He embraced me with teary eyes and whisper, I love you as much as I love my self” then I answer back “No, you have to love me and your self equally”…”thank you Sophia thank you” he was so humble and sincere. We have eaten the dinner which I have prepared and shared every sweet moment of our life.
Those events of my life make me to forget all the bad things that I have in my city. I even forget dad, all his harshness and strictness. I spend too much time in the town of Simon which I have considered as my new home. We shared so much happy moment in lake, rivers and mountain, sharing the beauty of nature and the song of the wind in the mountain side. I have been so happy everyday of my life here Simon. The people are not speculative like in the city. But the time of question and curiosity arrive in both of us. Peter have been so curios about my family, one moment as we are in the river having our lunch he try to asked me something that I just can’t answer…”Hey Sophie by the we’ve been together for about three months but I don’t know your family yet, but I guess it would be good if your mom and your well be a part of our relationship”…I was so stock that time and thinking again a new and good alibi but my heart really do want o express the truth. But I am searching for the right time and the right day to tell her everything. But when, until he knew that I am rich and spoiled girl in my city. No, I won’t let it happen. Then I think of a good way to escape this conversation “you know peter, mom died since I was a kid…and hohoho I don’t want to remember that”…then it succeeds. Peter had forget it all of his asking and do the comfort in me. “Oh, I am so sorry about it, I don’t mean to do it.”
We really do have so much fun as a new couple. Our relationship really works well on us as we make everything so perfect but except me and my own problem. How can I tell peter of my problem about true identity? I am so worried about it and can’t sleep every night, until I have decided to call a help from a friend. That night I make a call on Sheldon…”Hello?” I asked, then my friends Sheldon answer me “Hey girl, how are you I missed you so much which can’t help but to think of you. What make you call? What is the problem?” then I answered “Well, girl I need you’re advised, I been hooked up into these very cute country boy, he’s so amazing, he was just the only boy which I feel the good feeling inside. My problem is I can’t tell her my true me, it bothers me that he was so true to me, then it was just me who is so bias by not telling him the truth.”…Sheldon told me that “okay, to solve these give me your address and I will be there to help you right away”…then I told Sheldon “Just promise me not to tell anyone and to make these a secret, okay?” Then I have given her my location for I knew that I can trust my friend, hoping that everything would be okay and that Sheldon can help me to fix these mess I encountered. And that night I told peter that there would be a friend of mine that would going to visit me “Oh that’s great!” as peter replied happily. Then in that morning I was o excited to meet my friend Sheldon. Then exactly Sheldon arrived and we hugged each other for we miss each other so much. I bring Sheldon on the house of peter and I introduce them to each other. “Sheldon this is peter which I have told you that my new… you know!” then the two of us shiver as and laugh then Sheldon straight her hand to peter for a shake hand, then they have there short introduction to each other. Sheldon and I have a very long talked to each other and telling me everything what happen at home. Peter and I bring Sheldon to the river which we have always eat our lunch. And that very time I just have notice that peter was as quite as I feel that he was so shy with Sheldon. I asked him to join the talked but he refuses. So that is why I asked Sheldon to make peter be comfortable that time. Sheldon is a very lively and party girl which her strong personality makes everything so lively. Then Sheldon do my request and they start to talk until that Sheldon got the attention of peter. It was the second night of Sheldon in town as we go to sleep Sheldon is keep on talking about peter…”You know girl, Peter is such a cute and humble guy, his eyes were just so cute, his lips are kissable and his such a full package”…”Really?” I said, then the other day, they have talked so much that even me they forget to include in the talked but I don’t have any malicious suspicion for Sheldon is my friend.
The next morning, until the next morning, until next week until next month they have bonded too much which my human brain can’t stop to think of something is wrong of what I have seen and observed. That evening I seen something from afar of the hill a silhouette of a two person so close to each other. There hands are together and sitting in the grass, I just can’t see it clearly for it was too dark as go closer I was shocked for it is Sheldon and peter up there, I tried to control my temper and my feeling, I want them to notice me “Aham, excuse?” then they suddenly apart there hands and pretended that they have done nothing. “Oh Sophie it was you come and join us here together.” Then I sat down the grassy soil then peter, hugged me tight and his arms in my shoulder. But I can see that he is not looking at me, he was staring at Sheldon that time. I just can’t stop my self but to feel sad and disappointed. I have been ignoring the jealousy in me for I don’t want to destroy the relationship we have made together, relationship with Peter and so with Sheldon. An another night of something so sad, they talked in front of me as if I was not there, they have talking so loud and they have laugh together, but they cant see me at all. I came to point of asking my self first. What I did something wrong that peter would ignore. Is my love is not enough to prove that I love you so much. Every time that they talked very sweetly I just can’t stop but to let my eyes wet by tears. I think I need have to ask the two of them for my own safety and assurance that they are fighting me back. The night of peter’s birthday I was so busy preparing the set and also preparing myself to ask the question that I was eager to ask to them. But I really don’t have enough courage and strength to do the question. It was just me and his mother who is at home that time. I just can’t figure out what make this to so long in the hill for they were ask to invite some of his friends in the other side of the town. It really takes to long and make me think of things which make me angrier. The people to be invited are already here at home but the celebrant is not here. Speculations and doubt is in my head that time. I am force to go the way they have been. I have in my mind that they were in the house in the lake which we spend time. Just from afar I can figure out a figure of the two people close tight to each other. My mind can’t stop to think bad idea. I can’t think so much unless I can justify it with my eyes. As I go closer I can slowly figure it out that it…Peter and Sheldon sharing so much intimate lust of there own. My eyes grown so wide and I just cover my mouth with my hands. My eyes were raining of tears and my heart is slowly go insane and burns up in the fire of anger. I just can’t stop my self but to shout out over them. They shocked of my voice and they hurriedly dressed up there unclothed body. Peter run over me and explains why all of these have happen. But I don’t have anytime to listen to him, I hurriedly run over into the hill as peter runs after me. As we were running toward home we were caught by heavy rain and it wet my dressed. Peter run over me and hugged me tight and trying to explain and calm me down, then he said “Sophia wait, I can explain, it was just Sheldon who flirted me and tempt me over, I made a mistake sorry.” That moment I just can’t hear anything but the rain drops only suddenly I slapped Peter twice and kick him out that make him lay down because I’m sure he can felt the pain of the kick. I am running wet towards home, many people were there which have seen me crying wet, some of them help me asking why and what happen. But I can’t answer I can’t stop my self crying. At that very moment I decided to go home and face my consequences with my daddy.
I ride a bus back to the place were I forsaken. I don’t have anything to bring except my wet body. As I ride the bus my phone rang, it was Sheldon who is calling me, and I pick up the phone and let her talk and talk as I was listening but I don’t have any answer at all. It was just the noise of my own agony as I cried out loud in the middle of the ride. I can’t think of anything but to make revenge of what they did to me. As I have reached the city I can feel that daddy is waiting for me. I thought that I could find the better me in that place but it just that place that would change my whole life. I was just a waste of my time and heart. In my whole stay in Simon, I have never taken any news about dad that they were searching for me only to find out that…”I was already here, I have to face dad, I am ready.”…the mansion was then again the same as I left it. It was so quite and loneliness is in the ambience. Then my nanny approaches me…”Oh holy God thank you for you have sent back my lovely Sophia, what have you done to your self? Come and change your clothe!”…then I asked nanny about dad then she said “I will tell you later as you have done fixing your self.” As I finish fixing nanny told me everything about dad, nanny told me that “Sophia my dear, don’t be shocked just relax, your daddy is suffering from comatose right now. When we caught that it was not behind that mask your daddy was so angry and lead to hear heart attack. We directly send him to the hospital with an ambulance.” Then I recall that during my escape I have seen an ambulance beside the bus and “ohohohoho I knew it was daddy inside the ambulance, Sophia your pathetic” I nag my head hardly and scratch my hair as I cried out loud…”We were very busy searching for you and make any contact but we haven’t any idea where you are, so that is why we were waiting for you to go back home.” It feels like I was covered with the entire burden in the world. I climbed upstairs to see daddy. As I peep in the door I can’t afford to see him like that…” I’m selfish!!!” as I shout again and again to my heart. My heart covered with darkness and revenge. Peter has to pay in hurting me. I go to my room and I feel so exhausted when I lay down I can see from afar the wooden carved country boy who was given to me by my first love it is Ryan…then I whispered “Ryan Where are you? Comfort me please…” then it make me go to sleep.
The things that have happen in Simon is one of my tragic event of my life. Right now I am fall of darkness and revenge. I am my room’s balcony which I can see the whole hacienda with a glass wine in my hand as I murmur to my self…”Wait for me Peter, wait until you can taste the agony that you have brought to my life” I just cant stop but to think…”Kill peter…kill Sheldon…Kill Peter…Kill Sheldon” I these very dark plan to take the life of peter the one I love before and the life of friend Sheldon, my best friend Before. Still, when I can recall the night that Pt. Still, when I can recall the night that Peter have courted me I just can’t my self but cry. I make a plan that I will go back to the town of Simon for my evil plan and to do my revenge. I just have to wait for the right time and the right place to do it. I have received news that Sheldon and my love Peter is still together. It gives me more reason to do my plan. First I have to kill Sheldon for she is the only reason for all of these. It seems that I can’t identify myself already, this is not the girl, and this is not the Sophia I have known. But angers cover my eyes and evil is in me.
When I arrive in the town of Simon, no body can recognize me for I have changed my image. I directly go to place where every thing has started. I have my gun inside my bag and I am holding it tightly. I am standing over the hills I can see the river from here and the house of which where they shared flesh. I can see them…”Yes it was Sheldon!!!”…I tightly and slowly go to the house and even say hi to them…”how are you?” my freaky question, then Sheldon turns her head and trying to embraced me but I surprised her my gun and I directly point it to her, I cried out as she was Sheldon is crying too, that time peter it staring at us, trying to stop me but I have my gun in my hand. As I was crying I told them both…”you peter I have given my heart to you, but what you have done, you broke your promise, you have told me that it was only me that bring back the light to your life, and here I am again bringing darkness not light…you Sheldon, you’re a slot you have taken the man I love so much, I have trusted you everything but you are a traitor you cheated me, both of you cheated me, you deserved to die”… my hand were trembling since I am still hesitant to do the crime. “Sophia I am so sorry, yes I am traitor a slot, call me whatever you want, I know I made a mistake please accept my sorry and peter have something to tell you” those might Sheldon’s last words as I am determined to shoot her, as I clutch the gun it was peter who cover up Sheldon and it was my dear peter who received the bullet of my revenge my eyes grow more then bigger….”NO!!!!!!” I shouted very loudly. I was shocked and I can’t move. As peter whispers I hurriedly try to catch up here last words…”Sophia, I have been so sorry since from the start” his voice is so dull and soft, blood is coming from his mouth but he still keep on talking…”I am not peter I am Ryan your friend before, I love you I love you” then he die with his open eyes and I slowly close them with my trembling hands…”No!! No!! Ryan wake up don’t leave me I am so sorry, why you haven’t told me why, why”…I turns up my head to Sheldon and she embraces me, I cried out loud in her shoulder, then she whispers me “Sorry friends Sorry” as she hands me up the bottle necklace which I have given to Ryan when we were still kids. My life is been so sorrowful and sad. I have lost the man which might give me the best love that I can’t find as long as I live.
Life has started all over again. That time Sheldon is pregnant with Ryan. Life may as sorrowful as darkest night and as may love one has to leave us, but new light will give us the strength to move on.
And all of those memories will be left here in the river beside the hill of the town SIMON.



* * * T H E E N D * * *

No comments: